I’ve been working out fairly regularly.
At least once a week. Which I guess isn’t that regularly, is it?
But I’m beginning to understand how girls can have this crazy, weird perception of their weight. You look at someone with an eating disorder that is as skinny as can be and think ‘how can they POSSIBLY think they’re even the slightest bit overweight?’ To you they look like walking skeletons…but that’s not what they see. Or maybe it is what they see…but they want to be even smaller still.
I’ve never been overweight or anything. I’ve always been slender. I’ve always considered myself to be slender.
However, even so, I still have body image issues. It doesn’t bother me extensively and as of right now, I’m quite pleased with my body, but it used to be different.
I’ve always had cellulite. Always. Or at least since puberty or w/e. But my larger friends would be talking about cellulite and I’d say ‘ugh…yeah, it sucks!’ And they’d immediately dismiss my complaints because I’m skinny and skinny people don’t have cellulite. Ohhhhh but they do! At least, I do. Noticeable indents on the backs of my thighs and bum and even my arms! I don’t even know how that works because my arms don’t even look like they have any fat or muscle whatsoever.
But yeah. Skinny people are supposed to be happy with their bodies. Larger people are pressured to look skinny. Skinny is supposed to be the ideal. And maybe it is…but even skinny people aren’t satisfied.
Currently I worry about being TOO skinny. And I don’t think I’m too skinny. I think I’m ideal for me. But then I see my cheekbones in the mirror and think ‘am I sick? Do I eat enough?’ People comment on weight saying ‘I weighed 100 points in high school! I was skin and bones!’ And I think ‘well…I’m not much more than that. Should I gain weight? Am I sick?’ In high school I was ‘too skinny.’ Too skinny is sick. I didn’t want people to think I had an eating disorder. Because I didn’t. But that’s basically what I heard every time they said ‘you’re too skinny.’ You’re sick…you’re unhealthy…weight is of the utmost importance to you so much so that you’re starving yourself to look a certain way. It wasn’t true and it isn’t true now. And then there were comments about boobs and bums. Your boobs are really small…your butt is really small. You have a flat butt. You need to be skinny (but not TOOOO skinny), with a big butt, big boobs and a tiny waist. But your butt can’t be toooooo big! Your boobs can’t be tooooo big!
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I think what I’m trying to get at is that it’s really difficult to be happy with the way you are…however you are. Whether you’re big or small…there’s always going to be someone or something trying to tell you that you aren’t quite good enough. There is no perfect. If you were perfect…literally perfect…someone would come along saying that ‘wow…you look like you were carved out of marble by the gods…that’s so gross…why don’t you just look normal?’
It’s really annoying. I think that’s why you have to accept yourself the way you are before you go about changing something about yourself. It’s easy to change yourself. You CAN gain weight and you CAN lose weight if you try hard enough. But so what? Are you going to be happy with bigger boobs? Or are you going to then find something else that needs fixing?
Yesterday was the work Christmas lunch. I love my coworkers…I really do. Even the ones that are grumpy. Talk to them the way you would anyone else and they aren’t any different than anyone else. We walked to gastown and it was nice to be a part of something. Part of a group. Sad…but whatever. Gastown is so beautiful. It’s scary as fuck and I would never venture around there on my own, but it’s beautiful and super old. But we had lunch and I sat at a table with my boss who is really funny when he’s not stressed (when he’s stressed he’s not an asshole, but he doesn’t really have time for anyone) and it was nice. And then we left early and my coworkers walked me to the train (I was worried about walking there by myself not due to anxiety, but due to getting stabbed with an HIV positive needle of heroin or w/e literally…that’s what I was scared of). And I had to pee soooooooooo freaking badly (because I didn’t want to go at the restaurant)…like SOOOOOO badly on the train home that I had to stop and pee before meeting my mom…I peed for a good 10 minutes, I swear. It was like an Austin Powers pee…Thankfully there was nobody else in the bathroom.
And then my mom drove me home and I got ready and then she drove me to my bff’s house and I saw her mom and little brothers and dad, which is always nice because they’re such a cool family and one of her brothers is almost 2 and he’s the cutest little thing. And then we went to the ‘makeup party,’ which was a load of bullshit to be quite honest. I was under the impression that there would be a whole bunch of people there…but it was only my friend and I and my friend’s coworker (who was hosting the part) and the makeup lady and the makeup lady’s friend (who is also a host/seller of this makeup). I just felt like I was part of a crappy sales pitch. You know how those things are. Thankfully there was no pressure to buy any of the products, though so that was good. But the lady asked us a whole bunch of personal questions and told us a lot about herself, which I’m guessing she did so that we would trust her and sort of become ‘gullible.’ I don’t think so, lady…I’ve been on tumblr long enough to know that you don’t trust anyone. But she was all like ‘do you read books. You look like you read books.’ And I was like ‘uhh…yeah…’ Like?? lol What a silly thing, right? And she’s like ‘yeah, you seem intelligent’ or something. And I questioned my friend about this after like ‘what the hell is that supposed to mean? You look like you read books…am I a total geek or what?’ But she said that it’s the way I present myself and the way I talk…Which was kind of cool to hear.
And then today I went to the bank to talk to a financial advisor about looking into buying my own place and for half the time I was so so so uncomfortable because I don’t know anything about anything when it comes to money because my dad is an idiot that did/does everything for me when it comes to that sort of thing and never bothers to teach me or tell me what he’s doing and then he just cuts the ties and is like ‘deal with it yourself you’re a big girl!’ And it’s like…Okay, yeah…But I could have been doing this my entire fucking life! It’s like taking a child on a boat with you every day…you dive into the water and start swimming. The child watches you from the edge. After a few years of this, you think to yourself ‘today is the day the child becomes a woman! or man…or whatever’ and you push the child off the boat into the water and tell them to swim…And they drowned. And you’re all like ‘ohhh wow…what a baby…you’ve been watching me swim for the past few years…you’re old enough to get out there and do it yourself!’ Teach the child to fucking swim before you push her into the ocean! You know what I mean? Anyway…turns out I’m doing pretty well financially. This is always an aspect my mom has been very proud of. It was her decision to put me into commercials at a young age. It was just a random thing and she thought ‘why not?’ So I acted in commercials and I made myself tons of money by the time I turned 10 years old. I don’t like to bring it up because I consider it bragging, but my mom likes to mention it to people and it’s embarrassing.
Anyway…tomorrow is the play and idk if I need to drive myself there or not…I don’t want to, but maybe I’ll have to. And then monday I have off and then only 4 days until no more work for 2.5 weeks! YAYYYYY!
And still no message from that stupid boy. And I say that as if I’m expecting a message. And maybe I am. :( I just really really really want him to message me. But he hasn’t been on okc since yesterday morning so that’s pretty good…Still hasn’t added anyone else on facebook. BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE’S NOT MESSAGING ME AND I HAVE TO ASSUME THAT MEANS HE DOESN’T LIKE ME EVEN THOUGH HE HASN’T SAID SO AND IT’S REALLY CONFUSING! Don’t just vanish. Don’t just disappear on people like that. Because maybe you think you’re doing them a favor…but you’re not. Tell them you hate their stinking guts. It’s way more polite than just vanishing into thin air!
boys are cute in theory but im scared of them in real life like lions u know